One less decoration

Christmas will be a bit less festive in Rivoli Downs this year. The adult-size reindeer with joyful lights and life-like movements will no longer be part of the Maier’s holiday decorations.
“I brought him down from the attic and set him up in the yard like always,” reports owner Rick Maier, “but when I plugged him in, his head wouldn’t rotate. The lights worked, but the motor has finally failed.”
Former Coroner and neighbor Ed Bond declared the reindeer dead. “Looks like natural causes,” he said. “No foul play is suspected.”
That’s good news for the oldest Maier child, Matthew, who has been under scrutiny recently for a variety of teenage boy behaviors.
Neighbor Dan Slagle added that Maier had been setting up the reindeer Christmas decoration for many years. “Between you and me,” said Slagle, “I won’t miss it. Those things were tacky even when they were popular back in the 90s.”

Next for Obamalism: regulate tipping

Tipping - distributing treasure based on one’s judgment of the performance of others.

That is such a republican notion that I’m surprised it hasn’t gone the way of ethnic jokes, fur coats, opening the door for a lady, riding without a helmet and other politically incorrect practices.

The Federal government needs to regulate tipping because it’s just so uneven. Customers tip less for poor service, even though the server may be having a bad day through no fault of their own. That’s not fair! Some people get great service and stiff their server, which leads servers to profile customers for preferential treatment. That’s not fair!

How do we know that servers are reporting all their tips to the IRS? The government should require us to send 1099s to everyone we tip so they can collect more taxes.

Then there’s the bothersome math. How can progressive people be expected to calculate 15% of the bill if they’re already using their phone to text, post on Facebook and listen to Springsteen?

Wealthy, white, men probably tip the most, so it must be an unfair, racist, male chauvinist pig practice. And homophobic and unenlightened.

And don’t people tip more around Christmas? Don’t they know that the President declared that we are not a Christian nation?

Everybody write a letter to Barney Frank and Barbara Boxer. We need legislation to ensure fairness, spread the wealth and create more green jobs in Washington.